Ontario, Oregon

"Look man, I am flat out telling you, I don't know what kinda backhill you were raised in," He belched loudly, slamming his beer on the countertop, "but what my Padre Carter told me there is one true lord and he had a tail. One time he got all pissed off at the moon and turned into a monster. Then another time, he helped green satan kill his brother. Then green satan stole his son and became good green satan when the lord's prince showed up and threatened the earth, but then they became friends later. Look, I have seen the VHS's man, Padre Carter showed all of us the VHS's."
"The fuck is a VHS?"
"The fuck is a VHS?!"
Montana slapped his leg, giving the man a wide glare.
"It stands for Video Holy Scripture, your fuckin idiot."
"Listen here, son, where I come from, which is the got dang town you're standing in and where we don't taking kindly to proselytizing, the lord and savior had an arm that could turn into a got dang cannon, and he hung out with machine gun cross jesus, and travelled across a desert planet fighting a variety of skilled marksmen. The Divinity Video Discs have told us so."
"That's satan's format."
"Get the fuck out of my bar, Wisconsin, your money's no good here."

"Gottdammit, Alberta, get the hell out of my bar."

He stumbled out the front door, catching himself on the rear view of a car parked along the curb. He grunted a moment before pushing himself up off the mirror, who's structure immediately collapsed and dropped him, his jaw smacking against the hood of the car. Seeing stars, he picked himself up off the sidewalk and limped down the street.

Moments later, the bartender came out of the front door to see the damage done to his car. His phone rung, the bartender ignoring it at first to curse mildly and light a cigarette. On the eighth ring, he answered.

"Yeah, that summbich just left."
"..."
"I'm certain its him, said his name was Alberta Hiker, but he looks just like the ads."
"..."
"Said he was gonna skip town in a day or two, better hurry."
"..."
"Yes, may the Golden One be with you too, Padre Carter."

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